I’m Fine

 

How many of these conversations have you had since Christmas?

Me. How are you?

Them. Good, I’ve had that virus that’s going around, Knocks you for six. I spent two days in bed trying to sweat it out.

Me. Did it work?

Them. It helped

Me. How’s Elizabeth, did she get it as well?

Them. No, she’s as strong as a horse

Me. Did you have a nice Christmas?

Them. Quiet, mainly family. My son and his wife spent Christmas day with us and we had all the neighbours round on New Year’s Eve. To be honest we never stopped laughing.

Me. What did you get?

Them. For Christmas? New shoes, a couple of books, this, pulling at the sweater he’s wearing, oh a bottle of malt whiskey and some vouchers.

Me. What did you get Elizabeth?

Them. She didn’t want much. I got her an iPad and a couple of tops.

Me. Wow you bought clothes, that was brave

Them. Not really she had been looking at them before Christmas so I knew what to get.

Me. Anything else?

Them. A bracelet with a charm. Now I can buy her a charm for her birthday and Christmas so it makes it easier in the future.

Me. She did well then, you both did. Glad to hear it.

Silence

Me. Anyway, all the best give my regards to the family.

Them. Will do. Bye

I’ve had several and it happens so often I’m no longer surprised.

Anyway as you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you.

I’m fine

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They’re Right

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Remember what all those old fogeys told you when you were growing up?  Life’s short, stick in at school, there’s plenty more fish in the sea, tomorrows another day, don’t worry, on and on they had a saying for every occasion.

Well, do you know what? They were right.

Just over a week ago I was thirty years old, I’m sixty now.

Life is short.

It took a stroke to make me appreciate my life.  Since that happened,(two years ago and fortunately I made a full recovery) I wake up every day determined to be happy, content and use the time I have left to help others.

So make a plan, love yourself, forgive, fall in love, fall out of love, accept that nothing lasts forever, be kind and treasure your life.

It’s the only one you have.

Pillow Talk

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I’ve slept with people for most of my life. I was the youngest of three and shared a bed with my two brothers until my late teens. When I left home, I had girlfriends and wives.

I sleep on my own now under a fluffy duvet in a double bed with four quality pillows. Two set in the middle of the bed to rest my head on and two to bump into during the night.
Having done this for a few years I have come to the firm conclusion that sharing a bed with someone is highly overrated.

The Fantasy
Your partner stands, takes your hand, time for bed darling. The TV is switched off, wine glasses are placed in the dishwasher then, hand in hand you wind your way upstairs get undressed slip into bed kiss goodnight and as the room folds into darkness exchange I love you’s.
Wrapped in each other arms you fall into a deep contented slumber until the gently light of morn and the burr of an alarm clock wake you ready and rested to face another bliss filled day.

The Reality
The TV is on, you wake up, your partner is half asleep on the chair opposite. You stand up and, as you brush the biscuit crumbs off your sweater say, I’m off to bed, night. Upstairs, you brush your teeth, have a pee, put on your pyjamas and fall into bed. While all that’s going on your partner, who was determined to watch the program until the end has fallen asleep downstairs.

Two hours later they follow you up. The lights are on, taps are running, the toilets being flushed and you, well your awake taking note of every sound counting down until eventually they get into bed. And when they do they’re cold so they push against you trying to steal your warmth, that situation can easily lead to sex becoming an issue but your half asleep. I’ll catch you in the morning, go to sleep.

An hour later you get up to pee and two hours after that they get up to pee. They snore, they’re restless, your hot, you throw back the covers they’re cold they pull them back up. Time to pee again and check the clock. Eventually, three minutes before the alarm goes off you fall into a deep sleep.

You get out of bed knackered and mildly annoyed.
The Dream
You’ve had a nice little doze in front of the TV all evening. Time for bed so you switch everything off have a quick tidy then head upstairs. PJs on you clean your teeth comb your hair, have a pee, open the window then slip into your already turned back bed. Before you turn off the lamp you check your phone for missed calls and have a quick look at FB.
Then it’s lights out, you snuggle down and in no time you’re fast asleep. At 03.13am you wake nip for a pee have another look at your phone and iPad then it’s back to sleep until 06.30am. At this point, you could turn on the TV, have another scroll or as I occasionally do, play my guitar.

No one to bother you and you’re not bothering anyone. Depending on work commitments I might have another hour snooze before getting up to make my breakfast. All in all a good nights sleep.

In my opinion, everyone should have there own bed. If your in a relationship which includes sex I suggest you meet up with your partner twice a week have a light lunch, preferably in a restaurant then, at 03.00pm go home open a bottle of Champagne and have the sex, anywhere but in bed.

Follow these simple rules and you will enjoy a long fruitful relationship.

Goodnight x

No such Luck

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Believing in luck requires the same leap of faith needed to accept that gravity exists. They both contradict all known scientific facts.

No one is inherently “Lucky” you can’t “rub for luck.” If you gamble enough you will win occasionally thus convincing yourself and those around you that you are indeed lucky. Your not, every time you throw the dice the same odds apply.

You don’t have a lucky number. You can test this for yourself by buying a lottery ticket, the chances of winning are 1 in 45,057,474.

Luck isn’t on your side, there is no such thing as third time lucky and luck isn’t granted by the grace of God.

Luck is our way of accepting the unpredictable natural chaos around us. Bad luck is a way of explaining our failures and good luck is a way to accept the success of others without chipping our own ego.

Luck is a state of mind and people who think and feel lucky are more likely to succeed and ultimately be “lucky.”   In other words, you make your own luck. So, throw away your rabbit’s foot, ditch the shamrock and scrap the horseshoe.

Expect good fortune, don’t dwell on bad luck, see bad times as a conduit to better times, remain optimistic and you will be lucky.

Fingers crossed you’ll have a great 2019

Why People Kill at Christmas

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Me. I just published a blog today. It’s taken over a month to write. Not because it’s long, it’s just that I couldn’t find a way to discuss such a vast subject without bogging the whole thing down with too many words.

Them. I’m recording Coronation Street on plus one tonight it clashes with Michael Macintyre.

Me. (Driving)

Them. You should have turned left there.

Me. Look I’m driving. I know where we’re going and I’ve said a million times when I need your help regarding directions I’ll ask for it.

Them. Silence

Twenty minutes later

Them. Silence

Them. Have you tried those chocolate nuts we got off Lisa

Me. I had one earlier, they are delicious

Later that evening

Me. Where are the nuts we got from Lisa?

Them. I’ve eaten them

Them. So what have you got planned for tomorrow?

Me. I’m going to Lizzie’s to help her put together a rabbit hutch.

An hour later

Them. So what have you got planned for tomorrow?

Me. I told you, I’m going to Lizzie’s to…..

Them. Ah yes I remember

five hours later

Them. So where have you been today?

The defence rests M’lud

Christmas in a Tin

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Yesterday a few of us went to the Chilton Moor Country Club in Durham for Christmas dinner. No one was at reception so we went in search of our pre-booked, pre-ordered, pre-paid for meal in this sprawling establishment. We made our way along narrow corridors, past rooms, though rooms every nook and cranny filled with people in paper hats scoffing Christmas fare. Eventually, we found a member of staff to ask where we were to be seated.

We were shown to a table at the end of the public bar, set for three, no tablecloth, decorated with Christmas crackers and paper napkins. Before our bums had touched the seats the waiter said, drinks? We ordered a coke, a lime and soda and a sweet martini. The waiter/ deputy manager came over with two of the drinks holding the glasses at the rim rather than the stem. The Martini arrived a little later.

Months ago fishcakes and soup had been ordered as starters. We sipped our drinks pulled our crackers and waited. The waiter arrived holding a plate in each hand, fishcakes? That’s me I said, he plonked a plate down leaving the imprint of his left thumb in the sauce dolloped next to the fishcake and wilted lettuce leaf. We waited for the soup to arrive then tucked in, it was Christmas and we were determined to enjoy ourselves.

The fishcake had the consistency of a defrosted brick, clearly mass produced kak. We chatted and waited for the plates to be taken away. The seasonal music being played through speakers drowned out the sound of sports coverage being shown on a TV hanging from a wall. We listened, chatted and waited again until a waiter appeared at the table holding a plate in each hand, Turkey? That’s me I said.

A plate with a slab of Turkey, a roast potato, mashed potato, a pig in blanket and a flattened Yorkshire pudding with his thumb nestling beneath it was placed between my knife and fork. (I must just add here that I appreciate people have to touch the plate and I wasn’t expecting silver service. I’m not talking about a thumb on the rim of the plate here his thumb was in the food)

We looked at the food on the plate then apprehensively at each other silently sharing our concerns about what we were expected to eat. A tin tray containing soggy sprouts, carrots and chipped turnip was placed in the centre of the table. As none had been provided my unused soup spoon was used to serve. We wished each other Merry Christmas picked up our knives and forks and very soon put them back down again.

We may have been determined to have a happy Christmas but at last one of us cracked. This is horrible, I can’t eat it. Once the cat was out the bag we agreed that the starters had been awful, the Turkey was dry and flakey, the vegetables were soggy and the service was terrible.

The food was pushed around the plate until the waiter/deputy manager appeared at the table asking if everything was alright. He was politely told it wasn’t.

He apologised cleared the plates and said he would have a word with the chef. We chatted and waited for our sticky toffee pudding. After over thirty minutes we asked a passing waiter if we could have our pudding. He said he would look into it. Five minutes later we asked another waiter if he could find our puddings. Five minutes after that a waiter arrived with his thumb in the custard of both plates he was holding and when he arrived with the third he had his thumb in that one as well.

As far as aesthetics went it looked good. It even tasted OK. Bought in sliced, stuck in a Microwave smeared with custard and dribbled with sauce.

We ate it, we were hungry however as we had waited such a long time between courses I suggested that rather than wait for the coffee we went back to someone’s house and had a coffee there. I paid the drinks bill at the bar and we left.

It is possible to be busy and provide good food and service. I was at a similar restaurant last week. It was very busy filled with Christmas parties. The food was fantastic, the service was superb and it cost less than half the price of yesterdays fiasco.

I won’t be going back to The Chilton Moor Country Club. In fact to make sure I have a better Christmas lunch next year I may get my Christmas from a tin.

Mental Hygiene

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I’ve been trying for months to write about the mind but couldn’t. The uncharacteristic indecision fuelled my curiosity even further to discover just what the mind is? Where do our thoughts come from and what is the subconscious mind?

After doing a little research I was astonished to find that the mind has no physical presence within the body. It is completely separate from the brain. This, rather than help raised another question, where is the mind?

The conscious mind churns out a continuous stream of random thoughts and ideas. Not all good I may add. I would dare say that there isn’t a man or woman alive who wouldn’t blush to their boots if people knew their innermost thoughts.  Does the mind have our best interests at heart? Or, is it as Tesla suggests indifferent to the physical world and simply a device tuned into the universe?

The mind can distort our perception of the world and ourselves. If you asked twenty people witnessing the same event what they saw they would all have seen something different. Some people look in the mirror and see beauty where there is none, others can’t bear to look.

The Dalai Lama said, ”When we lose control of our minds through hatred, selfishness, jealousy, and anger we lose the sense of our judgement” He may have well have added love, another powerful emotion. The danger here is when we lose control of our mind we are capable of inflicting pain and misery on others and ourselves.

The brain takes care of all our bodily needs. It constantly assimilates all the data provided by the senses then takes the necessary steps to ensure we are kept comfortable and well. Eat, sleep, rest, your cold, too hot, etc. The brain looks after us to such an extent that apparently when the brain tells us we have reached the end of our tether, we have only used around 50% of our potential.

The subconscious mind is a great problem solver. How many times have you gone to bed with an insurmountable problem and woke up the next day with a perfect solution? It, also, is as mad as a March hare. The conscious mind is incapable of creating the inexplicable dreams we experience whilst asleep.  Perhaps, thankfully we forget most of them when we wake.

So what controls our mind?

We have a physical brain and body which work in harmony and a conscious and sub-conscious mind which appear to have, for want of a better term, a mind of their own. So where is the control, the checks and balances that keep us on the straight and narrow?

To achieve this mental hygiene there needs to be an additional element. The you, your soul if you like. Your soul which has lived a thousand lifetimes and during that time has learnt good from bad and right from wrong.

The mind holds the key to our lives and how we live them it holds the key to peace, prosperity and happiness, as Shakespeare said, all things are ready, if the mind is so.